Do you know that feeling you have, for no particular reason, where you just fill full..... and then sometimes empty? Like you just feel like you have to run around, and do cart wheels, and climb trees, and climb mountains, and swim oceans, and for me the feeling I get, the first thing that comes to mind is to take a big five gallon bucket of paint, and a BIG brush and have fun with my bedroom walls........ haha! I feel like almost I have to let myself go! Just be. idk, it's a crazy feeling, and the most frustrating part is when it is 10:00 at night, and you have a nice canvas (28x20) and all the brushes and all the paints.........................and then......all your pictures are in black and white!!!!!!!! you can't express ones wild spirit ready to burst with BLACK AND WHITE!!!!!!!!!!!! drrrrrrr......... *sigh* So i have gotten a nice big unicef book, and am looking for pictures.... ones that are perfect for me, and for my feeling, and the right size........ It is so difficult, ESPECIALLY since I'm not experienced enough to just paint from nothing.... I've tried, and I end up just feeling angry on top of my wild feeling.... haha! So I wont go there quite yet! lol!
Any ways...................... So tonight I am feeling wild, I am feeling open, and yet so closed. I have something that wants to fly out, and it can't quite, because I haven't got the keys to unlock it. I have the keys, just I don't know how to unlock it, I think I've settled it.......then, it just comes all back! and I go through the whole thing again..... *sigh*
But I am going to go off and find something to paint, I'm so extremely tired, yet I wont sleep a wink tonight unless I get something out. just a little bit, at least a small sketch, idk, i'm crazy, but i have to. I just feel.................. idk, ready to open and pour myslef out, and yet when I try, i can't get it all the way out, and so it stays trapped in me, Is htat what art is? putting yourself into what you do? So is life an art? maybe we are supposed to find how to open ourselves to Heavenly Father, and pour it out in every thing we do............. oh but it is so difficult soem times, if I could paint what was in me, the feelings I feel, the light, the dark, the yellow, the red, if I could put every thing I love into on single painting, i mean the FEELING of every thing I love, into one painting, I would fell a master... has any one done that? Can we?
I am overflowing, and yet need to be filled. i don't even understand enough to explain, but that is the best I can say how I feel.that's how I feel. oh, if only I could find how to open myslef, to me.
I was gonna end the post here, but then I remembered a litlte thing I wrote back in 2005 I found it in my journal the other day......
"January begins. Winter abounds, yet the sun reflects the warmth of God's love. How unusual for this warm weather, yet it fills you. you are both asleep, and yet quite awake. There is excitement. As if something is near to be happening, Mother earth anxiously awaits something instore for herself, and all the inhabitants therein. The trees are cold and sleepy, but the world is restless, wakening them too soon, their expression is of one who retired to bed much too late and is being awakened much sooner than is it's time, they are slow to move on, yet anxious for something they do not yet even know. My soul is uplifted and filled with longing to take action, yet also like the nature around me, to enjoy the winters sleep too early finished. Why awaked you nature?! What has God instore ?! Oh nature inspire thou mine awakening!"
Haha, from the voice of a fourteen year old.. i remember when I wrote that even........ I was on the front porch swing, and it was so warm outside, and it fit perfect with my feelings, i guess they haven't changed much, perhaps even grown stronger, for better I hope.. maybe I can take charge of them and mold it into something to better myself, and to help others around me..... i hope so! Inspire thou mine awakening!
